How To Make a Family Conspiracy Theory
by Jordan S. Bassior
(c) 2006, 2011
I knew someone at work who was convinced that the Rockerfellers and Rothschilds are the Root of All Evil in History. This has led me to consider the basic method of constructing a "family" centered Conspiracy Theory. Here are my conclusions.
Pick A Family
You can't have a good family conspiracy theory without a family to make the conspiracy. So pick a family, any family.
Well, it works best if they are a rich and influential family. This is because a rich and influential family actually will be near the levers of power and hence they make more plausible scapegoats on which to blame bad events. Besides, there's more of a cachet in speculating about the, say, Adams' (the family that gave America two Presidents and several notable intellectuals) or Talbots (the family that produced Prime Ministers Salisbury and Balfour) than about the, say, Bassiors (the family that produced me).
Call them the Family Of Evil (FOE for short). Now that you've decided who the FOE is, you are ready to construct your conspiracy theory.
Degrees of Connection
Now play "degrees of connection" between the FOE and various historical events. If you read any decent biographies of any notable members of the FOE (or even better a biography of the FOE as a whole) you should be able to discover numerous major historical events that members of the FOE actually were directly responsible for. This usually won't be anything openly evil, at least not by the standards of the day (you may get lucky and find a Nazi-trading Prescott Bush or someone like that), but keep track of them. They are the grist for the mill of your Conspiracy Theory.
But go a step farther. Try to determine who the friends, associates, close acquaintance, in short the connections of the FOE are. If you've picked a prominent family to be the FOE, you should be able to find rather a large number of historically important individuals with whom they had some contact. (For instance, with John Adams and John Quincy Adams, your list would include many international figures, every American statesman and virtually every political or literary individual in the state of Massachusetts).
Now, what did these people do? You will probably find that, without going beyond one degree of connection / separation, a good chunk of the elite of the human race is connected to the FOE; take it to two or three degrees and you will have the whole elite. Write down some of the important things that these people did.
The Family Rules
If we were writing real history, we would simply note that the family was connected to these important historical persons and events. But this is a Conspiracy Theory and they are the FOE, so you must keep in mind that in fact any important historical event that any member of the FOE or anyone they knew was connected with was in fact done at the command of the Family of Evil.
Did Arthur Balfour help out Winston Churchill at some stage of his political career? Obviously this was not some mere alliance such as is common in politics. Obviously, the Talbots, FOE, was pulling the strings and Churchill was their mere puppet. In fact, this means that every single thing that Churchill did was actually at the behest of the Talbots! And if we add in all the people who Churchill knew ... it's easy to see that the Talbots secretly manipulated the whole history of the 20th century!!!
One nice thing about this mode of causative "reasoning" is that it is reversible. If we have decided to make the Churchills the FOE, we can decide that it was the Churchills who were callling the tune and the Talbots who were dancing to the music.
The Family Is United
In any real family, there will be disputes. Even in fairly patriarchal cultures, like medieval Europe, members of the family will disagree with the nominal patriarch and insist on doing their own things; perhaps rebelling against the family. (Look at the history of the Norman Kings of England). In less patriarchal cultures, like Victorian England, members may straight out ignore the wishes of their family. Today, family members will often act in complete disregard of family wishes.
Well, not in the FOE.
You must understand that in a FOE, the normal state of affairs is that anything that any member of the family (by blood, adoption or marriage) does is all part of the FOE's gigantic Evil Conspiracy. Choices of college, spouses, and friends are all elements of the Master Plan. No one in the FOE simply hangs out with someone because they are roomies in college and become lifelong friends. It's always a calculated component of the Conspiracy.
Unless they are Rebels, of course. You can tell when someone is a rebel from the FOE because something bad happens to them or their friends. If the bad thing happens to them and is fatal, end of story, and chalk up a remarkable lesson of the FOE's malign power. If the bad thing happens to a friend or is not fatal, either they continue to Rebel (turning away from their Family Evil) or they are chastened and return to the fold.
The merits of this approach is that it makes the personal political. Everything that any member of the FOE does can now be connected to the FOE's overarching design. Bonus points for a family that actually does do something nasty to a troublesome family member, such as the way that Joe and Rose Kennedy handled their horny retarded daughter. For triple bonus points, imply that the nasty thing was somehow directly connected to the evil plan (maybe the Kennedys were experimenting with unholy antediluvian genetic biomancy and it went wrong on the girl?).
Oh, they KNEW
In real life, many of our actions have consequences which are not predictable to us at the time we do them. This is how we get into a lot of trouble, or at least embarassing situations.
But we are not the FOE. The FOE knows the exact consequences of anything they do, generations into the future. Thus if any bad consequences flow from anything they do, they must have been part of the Evil Conspiracy.
To take the Talbots, one thing that Arthur Balfour is famous for is his partition of Palestine and the Transjordan after World War One, which formed the basis of the later UN plan that created the states of Israel and Jordan, and which (thanks to Palestinian diplomatic incompetence) failed to create the state of Palestine. Now, one might reasonably wonder whether a statesman acting around 1920 could have been aware that this would result in a permanent and contested division which would in turn lead to six wars and be used as an excuse for Islamic sociopaths almost a century in the future, right?
Shame on you! This is a Conspiracy Theory! Of COURSE the Talbots knew exactly what they were doing! It was all a cunning ruse to ... [insert goal here] ... and the whole history of the 20th century has been a protracted working-out of their Sinister Design.
The usual rationalization for this sort of thing is that, because the FOE either is part of or is connected to the Secret Masters of the World and of All History, they have special knowledge regarding long-term trends. For instance, the Talbots, being a FOE, would have been well-aware by (say) 1919 of the fact that there was going to be a Second World War, which side would win, and what the rough shape of the world would have looked like in 1948 ... since, of course, the Secret Masters were already planning to make things turn out that way.
History All Happened at Around the Same Time
This is really a more general case of "They KNEW." If we were writing real history, we would watch out to make sure that we were keeping our events in the proper chronological relationship, and in particular avoiding anachronistic motives. For instance in reality it is very unlikely that Prescott Bush, when he was drilling for oil in the 1930's, had the goal of dominating Lunar tri-helium reserves anywhere in his mind, given that flights to the Moon were deemed impossible and both nuclear fusion and tri-helium's importance as a fuel for same were unknown in that era.
But when it comes to the FOE, toss those rules aside! The Talbots probably had some idea of fomenting the Arab-Israeli Wars back when they were serving Queen Elizabeth in the 16th century! How? Um, John Dee (mumble-mumble) Necronomicon (mumble-mumble) Knights Templar. FOE's have truly amazing resources
Pick a Goal
You might be surprised that I'm putting this last, when logically it should be first. But remember, you are uncovering part of the Secret History of the World. You don't know what the goal of the FOE is when you set out -- it's not as if they print it up in little brochures and give it away at free seminars, now is it?
What you do is you look at the most important historical events that you can blame on ... heh, I mean connect to the machinations of the FOE, and then decide what their effects on the world were. And then this was obviously the goal of the FOE from the very start, from the moment that Sam Adams began brewing beer or Prescott Bush drilling for oil or Joe Kennedy running rum, or whatever it is that the FOE did to first become rich enough that you noticed them.
There is bound to be some goal that makes sense, once one remembers that History All Happened At The Same Time, and when one considers just how much history a family prominent for even a few generations is likely to be directly connected to.
I hope I've shown just how easy and fun it can be to construct a Family Conspiracy Theory. I also hope I've shown people just how silly the whole idea actually is.
One last note: I've assumed a Family of Evil because most people choose to imagine Conspiracies seeking Evil ends. But actually the logic works basically the same for a Family of Good (FOG), or simply a Family of Influence (FOI). You can even have multiple families, playing something like the Steve Jackson Illuminati card game with the whole world!
I'd tell you more, but the agents of the Rockefellers are coming to take me away ...